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The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to
come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has
the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a
tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost
immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the
latter increases with the number of people you tell about the
former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this
cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more
expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If
one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should
be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his
playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke
the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he
deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to
humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to
man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way
it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point
from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger
than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally
hit into will consist of a football player, a professional
wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some
similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one
another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law
three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt."
Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss
an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be
the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically
adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only
until the sunset.
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a
proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your
holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to
determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging
you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had
never held a golf club in his life.
"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk
to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon
Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The
call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to
play.
The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to
inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second,
your Holiness," said Nicklaus.
"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to
Shimon Peres?!!"
"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal
and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart
attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the
ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around
frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any
green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs,
and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure
enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks
her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf
balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in
the sand traps!"
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a
few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and
played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head
home.
Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto
the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was
golfing alone.
Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit
the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste
much time.
Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found
himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in
front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old
man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the
ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard,
hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and
it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had
originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was
your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."
One golfer tells another: "Hey, guess what! I got a set of golf
clubs for my wife!"
The other replies: "That's a GREAT trade!"
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